Minotaurs, cocktails, and sphincters.

Tonight I attended a Freelance Austin shindig at this swanky place, and at long last had an occasion to hand out my snazzy new business cards—because, people, I am a real live writer-pants, and I have the vintage typewriters on quality cardstock to prove it! And look! They had rocks in the bathroom sinks (I’m thinking of starting a new blog devoted entirely to documenting the bathrooms of Austin establishments, since that seems to be my deal anyway)! 

I drank a Texas Wildflower (Luksosowa Vodka, Grapefruit Juice, St. Germaine, Barcode Lavender Bitters) and two French 76s (Citadelle Gin, St. Germaine, Lemon, Champagne), and ate goat cheese, and delicious French fries, and sat on a lovely patio and pondered the absurdities of compulsory (if congenial) valet parking, and how much I was likely bringing the property value down.

Prior to that I took myself to an early dinner (salmon, mashed potatoes, green beans) at Whole Paycheck and had several occasions to reflect on how many people in the building would have instantaneously lost twenty pounds if they had unclenched their sphincters and maybe gotten a sense of humor (translation: laughed at my jokes, which were an attempt at a lighthearted spin on the panic induced by overwhelming choice and labyrinthine setups that I invariably experience in this store. Which makes me think—wouldn’t it be great if, by way of a greeter, Whole Foods had a Minotaur stand guard at the front door? He could stomp his hooves and lower his horns and snort when he caught you doing unseemly things like not composting your leftover prepared foods in-store, or, I don’t know, entering with genetically modified snacks in your handbag. Of course, I realize this is akin to saying, wouldn’t it be great if Whole Foods were reasonably priced and not so maddeningly sanctimonious about everything they do to Save the Planet [and part the self-righteous* and credulous from their cash]?).

Although dinner was delectable, I passed many places on the walk back to my car that I should have tried and will hereby opt for those instead of Sanctimonious-R-Us. Or Sphincters-R-Us (excepting the awesome Prepared Foods staff). I find myself in an unfortunate phase where “sphincter” is my favorite word. This too shall pass. In the meantime, sorry.

*Of which I am clearly a member, and I do understand the appeal of this place for food-lovers, and people with special diets.